Reflecting....

Since Christmas was a disaster, I thought I should at least make sure New Years Eve was more than just me sitting alone in my bed reading a book. So I thought I would at least reflect on the year before, even though its quite cliche.

This year was a roller coaster of a year. I celebrated a lot of firsts... really cried my heart out over some painful moments and memories, and really felt the feeling of completely being alone. I also played a sick game of chicken with my Faith, which I think hurt me more than anyone. And I also learned to open myself more. To be free with who I am and less closed off with the real me. As a writer, as a creative person and as an actress... its very easy to be yourself in a different persona. I can share all the secrets about myself, and divulge all of my deepest darkest fears and feelings without feeling threatened to doing so and getting hurt because in some sick way, my mind feels like I am not really divulging anything. But I am trying to give up method acting, give up hiding who I am behind a persona and just accept myself and everyone else's acceptance of me. Its one thing when people accept you, its another when you accept that they accept you. I spoke with a friend about this, who really felt sometimes that she settled for her husband because he was the first person to accept her for who she was, and all that she was... and she wondered sometimes, if she was less scared to share who she really was to other men... would she be married to another man... possibly someone better than her husband.

I learned a lot this past year, and with age came wisdom, faith and acceptance. I truly felt alone and independent for the first time this year. I went home hunting on my own, found a place, moved it and am paying for it every month. All on my own. No cosigner, no recommendation, it was all on my own. I am proud, I mean, I have done this with college applications and dorms and stuff, but I felt like I got some help when doing that, I had some outside influence, this time, its all me. I chose where I wanted to live, and nobody could stop me.

I went to my first real college sports game... or better yet, my first Cal game. It was amazing. I also went to Basketball and that was fun. It was a new experience.

This year was a big growing up year. I learned to gamble for the first time... I am not repeating that mistake over. I did Las Vegas and learned its only fun if you have money to blow and a lot smaller sense of your moral worth or self respect.

So lets just say, 2009 worked with more travels, more adventures, a deeper detour with faith, a harder lesson learned with faith... a deeper understanding of why I do the things I do and a stack of new experiences that will be moments to repeat and moments that are just not worth remembering.